Queer alt-pop singer Boy Jr. (stage name of Ariel Allen-Lubman) has created a viral internet presence for themselves through their self-written music that is both personal and experimental. Allen-Lubman has a background in academic music production, therefore not only writing but also producing their own tracks. On the 26th of June, Allen-Lubman released the single ‘Bullying Myself’.
As soon as the song starts, Allen-Lubman’s vocals appear loud and clear, backed up by drums and guitar. In the first verse, they talk about how the things they’ve been telling themselves in their head are actually awful. With the words “I’d be pissed if this shit was said to my friends” they end the first verse, after which the song dives into a more experimental approach. In the pre-chorus, distorted vocals yell out “oh no” before each line, with an electric guitar sounding in the background, turning the song into a much more intense direction.
The build-up continues into the chorus, which exists entirely of distorted vocals, heavy drums and screechy synths. The lyrics here voice the things Allen-Lubman has been telling themselves, such as that “they never wanna talk to you again” and “nobody wants you anyway”. The fact that the vocals are not clean, instead almost robotic, adds to the feeling that this is not reality. The things you tell yourself are often not true, but they feel like they are. Furthermore, it is hard to make out what exactly the voices are saying because of the substantial vocal effects – it definitely takes a few listens – but the atmosphere created is more important here. It’s important to notice not what is being said, but the negativity behind it on top of the repetition. One’s mind can be one’s worst enemy, constantly stating everything ‘wrong’ with you, even though no one else is saying so.
After the chorus there is a small instrumental break of guitars, slowly toning it back down and making room for the clean second verse. Like the first, it exists just of Allen-Lubman’s vocals and some lowkey guitar and drums. This second verse seems to talk about drugs and body dysphoria, mentioning chemicals and starving. Quite often, as individuals we are not only critical of who we are as people, but also the way we look, which is highlighted here.
The track then follows a similar structure for the pre-chorus and chorus, before a second instrumental breakdown which sounds a lot more mechanical than the first. Synths and percussion make for a funky little interlude in the song, with Allen-Lubman’s vocals repeating parts of the sentence “you to walk away” (the final line of the chorus) in the background.
The bridge lowers the volume of the instrumentals but continues their sound while making space for clean vocals. In this bridge, Allen-Lubman speaks about knowing that this is all in their head, yet reacting like it’s happening outside of it. They state that “you told me to fuck off in my mind”, talking to themselves or to the voice in their head like an entirely different person – and it kind of is, because it’s been made clear that they are fully aware these thoughts do not reflect reality.
After one final instrumental break, which really wants to make one get up and jump around to the electric guitars, the song moves into the last chorus and finally, the outro, which again repeats the final line of the chorus, but ends with the line “I’m bullying myself” in distorted vocals, making a nod to the song title before the track fades out.
‘Bullying Myself’ is a relatable, powerful anthem about treating yourself in a negative way and wanting to step out of this vicious cycle. Allen-Lubman has stated that they decided that “instead of letting it rot on the inside” they felt the need to release these feelings into the outside world. It is a solid indie pop-rock anthem that one just has to scream along to. This track is included on Allen-Lubman’s upcoming album I Love Getting Dumped and if this single is anything to go by, this album will be spectacular.
Written by: Mandy Huibregtsen
Edited by: Marieke Weeda
